A lilly for my soul

Today I realized that I am headed in a very destructive direction in my life even more so than my previous lack of feeling one. I am a grumpy 27 year old with a few illnesses and not much to do. I have friends but i cannot give them all i want and all of me is not enough because the world offers more and i am afraid tonight that i will loos them and have none left to care for and then i will loose every bit of humanity i have left in me . I confused about religions and moral standards and very annoyed at the way my community and the people around me function. i don't know if i can do anything really to change my life and be a part of so many others in a good and constructive way . I want to be remembered i don't want to be left alone i want to be loved i don't want others to be repulsed by me or to fear me that is not what i want i don't like fear . I understand that in my life fear is my mortal enemy my foe and i have to destroy the fears and then maybe i can move on and live a great life the life i want not the one that was chosen for me .  I am impulsive and ruthless outspoken and open-minded and i believe that if i learn how to use what i know and what i am i will achieve enlightenment.